How to Really Talk a Woman Who is Wearing Headphones

Recently I caught wind of an article that explained to guys how they could approach a woman who was wearing headphones.

The author got a lot of blowback because of the article and I can totally understand as it missed SO MANY important points. So I thought I would take a hot second to correct them.

Here now is the complete guide to approaching a woman with headphones on.

Step 1:

Ignore every other woman who is not wearing headphones. Sure you could strike up a conversation with them and yes there are literally billions of other women in the world but you want to talk to this woman and that shit is going to happen.

Step 2:

Do NOT think about the reasoning of step 1. It takes you to dark places.

Step 3:

Stand in front of her. Now the guy who wrote the original article suggests keeping a distance of 1 to 1.5 meters between you but feel free to ignore that and stand about three to six inches away. If you’re going to ignore her right to not be disturbed while wearing headphones then you absolutely HAVE to ignore her right to personal space. The one thing women like is consistency and confidence. And nothing says confidence like ignoring someone's rights to personal space.

Step 4:

Do not question whether or not you have the right to do this. This is key. Anything close to introspection or a questioning of your own actions could lead to a massive existential unraveling that you want absolutely no part of. Trust me on this, bro.

Step 5:

Most women will take their headphones off (especially if you took my advice about the personal space thing) but if she doesn’t get her attention with a wave of your hand. If she still doesn’t take them off, just smile (you should not have been smiling before this point), point to her headphones and confidently ask: “Can you take those off for a minute?” This signals to her that you have problems understanding social rules and implies that you might be a loose cannon. That fear and/or uncertainty is all you need to get this conversation started!

Step 6:

Do NOT stop to think about how you would feel if some massive gay dude pulled this bullshit on you. It’s not about that and it’s TOTALLY NOT THE SAME.

Step 7:

Interpret her polite interaction as a sign that she might actually be interested. Use a 1984-like kind of double think to not only ignore the fearful look in her eyes while she looks past you as you speak trying to gauge who, if anyone, could come to her aid in time should you prove to be some absolute psycho but to interpret her fear as shyness.

Step 8:

Get annoyed at her fear. I mean not all men are rapists after all. What is her problem?

Step 9:

Ignore the fact that although you get annoyed when women talk about fearing men you still think most Muslims are terrorists but that is TOTALLY NOT THE SAME.

Step 10:

At some point during what you will convince yourself is a conversation you will feel a twinge in your soul. IGNORE THAT TWINGE. It’s just a small, dying part of you that resents your parents for making you the kind of guy who needs to get girls to take their headphones off rather than just being appealing and interesting enough to and to have enough belief in yourself to just approach women without headphones and more importantly be able to accept that you won’t be able, nor do you need to speak to every woman you ever see ever. It also resents the society that has pushed you into wearing this ridiculous man mask that has you doing and saying all kinds of bullshit you don’t even believe just so you can scratch an itch that can’t ever be scratched by sex, money, houses, possessions. An itch that you’ve been conditioned to believe is real but is actually just something stupid ignorant people from the early 20th century came up with because they couldn’t deal with the many greys of life so coming up with simplistic black and whites made everything seem stable but that dog don’t hunt and you know it and everyone knows it and at the end of the day we are just shabbily dressed apes playing with the missing zookeepers tools, spinning in infinity on this meat grinder of a planet, an oversized, polluted, war ridden version of Lord of the Flies filled with man children who show the same viciousness, the same lack of compassion but are able to cover up their horrors with prettily worded flawed histories they teach to each new generation. These things have conspired to prevent you from being the best version of the man you could have been. The person you wanted to be. This part of you knows this, it knows that you, like all of us never had a chance, man. You never had a fucking chance.

Step 11:

Smile.

Step 12:

Blow the fact that some women resent being disturbed while wearing headphones completely out of proportion. Interpret it as a sign that they want to stop you from being a real man (even though insisting someone speak to you when they don't want to is more the action of a seven year old boy) rather than the fact that they don't want to have to deal with an extra hassle that men don't have to deal with. This is also very important. Sure the fact that these women don’t want to be disturbed literally takes nothing away from you or your life but it’s the beginning of the end. I mean come on, right?

Here’s an example of how it might go:

Man: Can you take those off please?

Woman: (trying to ignore Man as well as her feeling of dread and fear).

Man: Take those off.

Woman: (takes off headphones, looks around for help).

Man: Ah you’re shy. My name is Dan.

Woman: Can you not stand so close to me?

Man: (smiles)

Woman: Jesus. I have no money and people know where I am.

Man: I know it’s not normal to talk to-

Woman: I really just want to listen to my mus-

Man: LET ME FINISH. (beat). I know it’s not normal for people to talk to someone wearing headphones but I just saw you and really needed-

Woman: (muttered praying)

Man: Come on! It’s not like that.

Police Officer: Everything okay here?

Man: Yup. I'm making a girlfriend. Move along, piglet.

Woman: Could you not leave me alone with this man?

Police Officer: Okay sir if I could ask you to-

Man: (ignoring police officer) I KNOW IT’S NOT NORMAL FOR PEOPLE-

Woman: I just wanted to listen to my music!

Police Officer: Okay this is happening, shitbird.

At that point the police officer will most likely take you down violently. Do not stop your patter and keep smiling! Remember, women appreciate consistency. Before you are put into the squad car ask for her number.

Common Mistakes That Guys Make When Approaching Women Who Are Wearing Headphones

1. Introspection

I mentioned this earlier but it's important. If you think about what you're doing it might lead to you empathizing with the woman who is trying to ignore you. You might think about how annoyed you get at telemarketers who hassle you when you're trying to have dinner. You might also start to ask yourself what happened to you to make you the kind of guy who feels to need to do something like this when again, literally billions of other women you could talk to many of whom aren't wearing headphones. Stow that shit, private!

2. Giving up too easily

Depending on how the arrest goes you're most likely going to get bail. After that you should go back to the spot where you met your potential lover (pronounced lahvah) and stand there day and night until she comes back. Women admire confidence and nothing says confidence like "this will never end for me."

3.Introspection

I really really need you to understand the importance of this one. I know I mentioned it before but seriously: don't look through that window.

4. Not flirting

Oh my god remember to flirt! You want to keep it light after all.

So there it is. You're welcome! Remember to invite me to the wedding!

Some of you might be tempted to ignore my advice. To think that I’m full of it. Don’t believe me? Don’t believe that I’m a REAL MAN? Well I wrote this article with one hand… because I was strangling a bear with the other.