"Nile on Valentine’s Day" or “Try Not to Think About This Too Much”

Okay this isn’t another rant about how Valentine’s Day is a ridiculous arbitrary day based on a saint who had nothing to do with romance which is the equivalent to choosing June 13th as "Hug Your Mailman Day" because that’s the day that O.J. Simpson "didn’t" kill Nicole Brown and the second unluckiest waiter ever after anyone whose ever worked at a Hooters. Ridiculous right? Well so’s naming the holiday dedicated to romance after a dude who was beaten to death for running what was basically an underground railroad for Christians during the days of the Roman empire.

But here’s my real point: I was at the pharmacy the other day picking up stuff for my mom (soda and an air freshener if you must know… she parties like she’s always in the VIP, baby!) when I saw a section that was done up in full “Hey, did you mess up and forget Valentine’s Day and now you have to get something at a pharmacy?” mode. I stopped because it was one of those situations where I knew something was off but it was going to take my brain sometime to let me in on what would end up being a terrifying joke.

You know when your brain does that? You’ll notice something and your brain just starts barking at you like Lassie only unlike Lassie it takes way longer to figure out what the barking is about? Anyway, here’s what the barking was about:

The shelves were full of chocolates, candies and stuffed toys (mostly bears for some reason… because bears are the animals of love? I would have gone with rabbit or something else but not bears. I mean pandas literally don’t give a f**k that their species is dying out and romance is the only solution aside from some terrifying/awesome cuddly Jurassic Park scenario). Anyhoo, yeah the shelves were filled with stuff perfect for a guy who is looking to get a last minute something on Valentine’s Day for his girlfriend.

Or for a pedophile who is out of supplies.

Roses are red... or amber?

Seriously look what happens if you Google “Valentine’s Day gifts.” This isn’t just me, right? Let’s be honest. Those things on sale aren’t directed for women to buy for their man. It would be reassuring if they were because it would cancel my point and I could sleep at night without feeling grossed out that I am part of a really creepy species. No they’re designed for guys to get their girls.

Not their ladies.

Not their women.

Their girls.

Why the f**k are Valentine’s Day and Saturday morning television programming so close in theme? What the hell is going on? Did we lose a war? I don’t know what’s creepier: the fact that guys (I’m guessing) started this trend or that women haven’t stopped it with a resounding “Seriously dudes, we need to make Valentine's Day less creepy.” This isn’t just me right? Guys? Guys?

Even weirder is that sometimes if you bring something like this up the response is: “Well what do you want? You want women to just be guys with boobs and have no feminity?” How and why are those my only two options? That’s like a waiter telling you they're out of the halibut so you’re just going to have to eat THIS FLAMING TIRE. Why are the only options for women nine-year old (and possibly semi-retarded) girl lost in a mall and 55 year-old retired army colonel with a rock hard c**k, PTSD and drinking problem (not that there is anything wrong with the latter if that's what you're into)?

Look I’m not sure I have a solution or even a clearly defined point but what I do have is a creepy sinking feeling that this is a major red flag that makes me think we're way closer to these people than we'd like to think. But hey red flag? Red is the colour of romance! Hurray!